Puppylove
by Jasper Price
Summary: It wasn't supposed to actually happen. Remus wasn't supposed to enjoy a kiss from Sirius and there was no reason for Sirius to kiss Remus in the first place. Emotions spiral out of control as the two of them attempt to work out their feelings for one another. -Rated M for swearing and future chapters
1. Chapter 1

Sirius laid across Remus's bed, his feet dangling off the side. He wasn't doing anything, but his mere presence was enough to bug Remus. Remus sat cross legged on the bed, trying his best to study for his OWLs, but it wasn't working very well. Not when you had Sirius Black as one of your dorm mates.

Remus adjusted his glasses and looked over the top of his spell book. Sirius was so still that Remus almost thought he was sleeping. "Do you want to study with me," he offered, feeling a bit awkward in the silence.

"Sush, Remus. I'm thinking."

"Oh, you're thinking. Does it hurt?"

Sirius leaned over and glared at him. "I'm the one who makes snide remarks. You should know this. James makes the plans, you fix the plans and be smart, I make snide remarks, and Peter, well, Peter draws pictures of my Cousin Cissy. I don't know why."

"Peter likes to draw." Remus shrugged. Actually, Peter was a fairly good artist. Although, why he drew pictures of Narcissa Black he would never know. Still, he was the one who actually drew the Marauder's map.

Sirius laid back down. "Go back to reading, I'm still thinking."

This was a rare moment. When Sirius thought it was never good. Sirius thinking generally ended in them getting detention, or getting hexed, or making a mess. Sometimes all three. "Alright, Sirius. What're you thinking about?" Remus closed his book and sat it down on his lap.

"Nothin'."

"I doubt that."

Sirius sat up. "Do you really want to know?"

"Probably not, but I'm asking anyway."

For a moment, Sirius hesitated. He looked down and thought his words out carefully. This was either something really bad or really good or really dangerous. "I was making a list in my head," Sirius finally said. "You know, a list of all the girls I've slept with and then a separate list for all the girls I've kissed. Oh, and a list for all the second base girls." He shrugged his shoulders and put his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket. The jacket he thought made him look cooler than anyone else in the entire world. Which, granted, it was a cool jacket.

Remus raised an eyebrow and stared at him. "And why are you doing this?"

"I'm trying to figure out if I liked any of them." He leaned against the bed post and stared up at the canopy over his head. "Thus far the answer is no."

"I don't understand why you do that."

"Make lists?"

"No." Remus shook his head disapprovingly. It seemed inappropriate to make a list of such things. It seemed like it somehow dehumanized the girls. As though they were nothing more than a number to him. Just another girl. That's all they really were. "I don't see why you go around with so many girls."

To be honest, Sirius didn't know either. It could have just been his teenage hormones acting up and making him crazy. Or, it could have been something more. Maybe he needed to prove something. Blacks were Pure-Bloods and were, therefore, supposed to be pure. Then again, Narcissa hadn't been 'pure' since her fifth year. So, what was he really proving here?

"I don't know," he finally said and closed his eyes. "I don't guess there is a reason. It was just something to do at the time."

"Can't you find something better to do with your time?"

Again, Sirius fell silent. He bit the inside of his cheek and, again, thought very carefully about what he was going to say. He had considered this for a while, let the idea spin around in his mind. Of course, he never really expected it to work out. There was never a chance for him to say these types of things. He had thought before that maybe if he could just get Remus drunk then it would be easier to explain. But, getting Remus drunk was easier said than done. He was quick and stronger than he looked. There was no holding him down.

"What about you," Sirius asked, opening one eye.

Remus laughed and shook his head. "My time is well spent with studying and keeping you lot from getting yourselves kicked out. We're talking about you, Sirius and what you could be doing with your time."

"You," Sirius repeated, a bit clearer this time.

"Me," Remus said and raised an eyebrow. "What you could be doing with your time is…" He trailed off, putting the words together and making them form an actual sentences in his head.

'Wait a second,' he thought. 'Sirius is talking about all the girls he's been with. He's making lists for Christ sake. Let me get this straight here before I actually say anything. Sirius has done a lot of girls, and now he's saying that he wants to…no, he's not being serious. This is some kind of joke. He's trying to lure me into something just so he can laugh at me. Just laugh, Remus. Beat him to the punch.'

So, Remus let out an awkward chuckle. "You're not serious."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "I'm always—

"Don't say it." That joke had gotten old after the first time Remus had heard it. "Look, Sirius, whatever joke you're trying to pull, it's not funny. Toying with other people's emotions isn't a game. You can't do that. Why don't you just go?"

Sirius looked up at him, obviously hurt. This wasn't going according to his plan at all. In fact, this was going very, very badly. "Remus, this isn't a joke. Do you see me laughing? If I was trying to mess with you then I'd say I wanted to shag you silly under a full moon." He took a deep breath. "I'm going to try something."

"Sirius…"

"Just hold still for a second, alright?" Sirius took another breath. Alright, this was the moment. He was just going to try it and if it didn't work then it would be time to find some firewhiskey and make Remus somehow forget that it ever happened. There were charms that erased people's memories, weren't there? Yeah, he would just have to get Remus to help him…wait…that wouldn't work. He would have to find the memory charm by himself.

He could do that. He could study for a couple days to find it. That thought gave him some confidence. It was a short kiss. Not like with the girls. It was gentler, less animalistic. With all those girls…he just didn't care. They weren't what he wanted. This, right here, this was what he wanted. This was Remus, Remus was the sensitive one. He was the one they had to look out for. Sirius didn't forget that. Remus wasn't the type to sleep around, he wasn't the type of guy who went around kissing everything that moved. He was…he was just Remus.

Sirius pulled back and resumed his position, leaning against the post and trying to get his look of carelessly cool back. It didn't work. He felt awkward now and his stomach turned with fear. Why had he done that? Yes, it was what he wanted. But…was it what Remus wanted?

Remus blinked several times before he took off his glassed and cleaned them on his shirt. He didn't look overjoyed and his cheeks and ears were both pink. Clearing his throat, Remus slid his glasses back on. He narrowed is and pursed his lips. "Am I just another game, Sirius? Another mountain to conquer? Is that what happens when you run out of girls? You move onto leading someone else on?"

That hadn't been his plan at all. Sirius slumped down, giving up on his cool-guy look because it just wasn't working. Remus didn't care about cool, he didn't care about suave, or smooth. Remus cared about the truth and being calm and easy. He just wasn't like the others.

"Not a game," Sirius muttered, looking down at his lap.

"What?"

Sirius at up straighter and forced himself to look Remus directly in the eye. "It's not a game, Moony. It's a feeling and it's not one that I can just get rid of because, believe you me, I've tried." There was a touch of shame in his voice mixed with guilt and frustration. He reached up and brushed his hair back several times. "I tried, Remus, I did. I said to myself I said 'Self, you can't kiss Remus, he's your friend. You know how you get. You find someone, like 'em, shag 'em, and leave 'em.' But then I couldn't shake it off, okay? I saw you and it's not like…it's not…" He couldn't find the words. There were no words to describe it. Besides that, Sirius was better with actions. "Ugh! Words are hard!"

Remus looked down, taken back by Sirius's words. This was…this was the most honest and open he had ever seen the boy. What was he supposed to do now? He wasn't just going to let Sirius sit there and tear his hair out. No, he couldn't do that, not when….

Reaching forward, Remus puts his hand on Sirius's shoulder. "Is this really the way you feel, Sirius? Is this really what's in your heart?"

Sirius nodded. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have—"

"If it's in your heart and it's in mine, then shouldn't it be right? If we're both capable of these feelings and we both want them, then shouldn't we act on them?"

"Remus, I don't know anymore. I don't even have an answer."

Remus smiled very slightly. "A famous author once said 'The shortest answer is doing the thing'."

Sirius tilted his head slightly. "Remus, what does that even mean?"

"I have no idea. But I think it's something along the lines of this."

Remus leaned into Sirius, kissing him much more than Sirius had kissed him. Still, it was soft, gentle, but in the same respect it was passionate and full of life. As though everything a person could ever possibly want was falling into place. Every single piece of the puzzle was finally there.

Suddenly, Sirius pulled away. "That…" He paused. "I gotta go!" He jumped up off the bed and tore out of the room.

Well, that was unexpected. Remus blinked several times and tried to figure out what in the hell had just happened. Then, it hit him. Remus fell backwards and covered his face with his hands. He had been tricked! Why hadn't he realized this? This was probably some kind of bet that Sirius had going on.

He wasn't like the girls that Sirius used. It was worse than that. They, at least, hadn't been a part of some terrible prank. At least they wouldn't have to deal with this horrible feeling of betrayal. Sirius was his best friend! They had been friends since first year.

Remus always knew that he was walking a tightrope. He really didn't belong with The Marauders. They all had something that he just didn't have. After all, he was the only half-blood in the lot of them. Granted, they would always rant and rave about how blood purity didn't matter and it was stupid to think that it did. However, Remus had always felt that it did count for something. All of them had grown up around magic. It was something that they just knew. He, on the other hand, spent all his time studying. Not growing up with magic all around him had left him feeling, well, excluded. His mother hadn't used magic, despite her being a witch. She had kept it from him.

Not to mention, he was the only one who couldn't stop his transformation. The others thought that they knew what he went through. They had worked to be able to change, yes, but it wasn't quite the same as being forced and having no control. At any given moment they could change into the animal they had worked to become. And then there was him. He couldn't make himself be a werewolf, nor could he stop himself from being a werewolf. He just was. It wasn't as though he could talk to them about it. It wasn't something that could be explained.

Yes, he knew that he was just on the outside of the group. He wasn't a prankster. All he was was Remus. Silly little Remus with his nose in a book. Sensitive Remus who couldn't take a joke. Little Remus, too fragile to play Quidditch and too dim to understand it. Sheltered Remus, who didn't understand how boys had fun. Stupid, naïve, and gullible Remus who would actually believe that Sirius Black would ever want to kiss him.

Remus adjusted his glasses again and sunk down against his pillows. He needed to distract himself. He would read, just like he always did. He would study his stupid little books while the boys had their fun. He would be the one studying while everything else came naturally to the others. James was a natural born Quidditch player, Peter was a brilliant artist, and Sirius was charming and a ladies man. There was no room for Remus here. There never had been.

He had to earn his worthiness by knowing things and being good at spells and potions. He had to work to become someone that deserved to be kept around and he did. Remus loved his friends and he always wanted to be worthy of them. It was like when he had stopped sleeping so he could figure out animagus transformations; not for his own sake but for his friends. Werewolves couldn't be animagi anyway. James and Sirius and Peter could afford to spend time screwing around because they had been born good enough. Stuffy swotty Remus had to study at it but all that work gave him something they didn't have. That ferocious intelligence and drive had made him valuable. They wouldn't last a single prank without him to fine tune the detail. They needed him, damnit, and he made sure that he could always perform anything they demanded of him.

And why would he want Sirius to kiss him anyway? It wasn't as if he didn't have an eye for girls; he just didn't have the confidence to chase after them or even talk to most of them really. He barely spoke to anyone outside of the Marauders. But why Sirius Black, of all people? Sirius was barely even nice to him, not like Peter and James were. Sirius was always the first one to pick on him, the first one to, well, notice him actually. James only ever really seemed to care about what Sirius had to say, never really worrying about any else's approval. Peter was nice but he didn't seem to care about what Remus said either, often joking that if he listened to what he said he might have to learn something. Sirius was clever and better at class than he liked to let on. He had a quiet brilliance that was forever obscured by his flair for the dramatic. There was always more going on inside his head than he let on and some of the things he thought were nothing short of marvellous. When Remus spoke Sirius caught his non-Muggle references and his subtle sarcastic jokes. They could go toe to toe bickering about potions or dark arts, though Remus had a leg up on him at charms no question. The two of them got along very well, even when James and Peter weren't there. When it was just Remus and James or Peter conversations always felt forced and like they were missing two familiar voices. Still, those words echoed in his head.

'It's a feeling and it's not one that I can just get rid of because, believe you me, I've tried.'

It was something that, if you had it, you were supposed to get rid of it. It was something to be ashamed of and Remus was. There had been jokes, of course, there were always jokes and he had accepted it as being part of the gang of boys. James was gay because he was a prissy little deer instead of a manly dog or wicked cool rat. Sirius was gay because he spent so much time on his hair. Peter was gay because he liked drawing girls in dresses. It was what boys said to each other and it was the worst possible thing you could be. That was why it was used as such a dire insult. What would they think of him?

Unwillingly his mind flickered again to Sirius Black; handsome, clever, charming. Even if he did like boys it would never ever be Remus. It would be someone different, not someone fragile who had to be watched to make sure he didn't tucker himself out overstudying or break an arm falling off his broom. Sirius didn't like the awkward nervous types. He went after rare beauties and party girls. The only remotely 'rare' thing about Remus's looks was the multitude of moon-induced scars that latticed his pale scrawny body. For a moment it had felt real, like that secret little happiness inside of him was free and massive. Just for an instant, and the pun was beneath him, it had felt like there was something serious between them. For the first time in, well, ever, Remus wanted to get roaringly drunk. James could arrange it and, for Remus and for such a rare occasion, he almost certainly would.

Sirius shed his jacket as he ducked into a bathroom. He discarded his coat on the ground and gripped the side of the basin. His breathing was heavy and sweat had gathered on his brow. _Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit._ That was all that went through his brain. For several minutes, his brain couldn't even form a functioning thought. It was just exclusively swearing. At this point, Sirius didn't even know who he was swearing at. Himself, Remus, his family? Hell, he could be cursing Severus at this point. He didn't know. He just didn't know. This wasn't like him. He never…fuck!

Why did he kiss Remus in the first place? What was he trying to prove? Actually, he had a lot to prove. He was the one from the oh-so perfect and Noble and Ancient House of Black. His entire life he had been taught to follow the rules. Walk upright, hold your head up, learn the difference between a salad fork and a bloody dinner fork! If his family had it their way then, one day, he would marry a perfect Pure-Blood girl and have proper Pure-Blood children.

Then again, he was the odd-man out. He was the Black in Gryffindor. He was the one that broke tradition. He was the one who had gotten himself into this mess in the first place. It wasn't like James could understand that. Yeah, he was a Pure-Blood, but it wasn't the same. His family really didn't care. Blood purity meant nothing to them. They wouldn't care if James loved a house elf, just as long as he was happy. Peter's parents barely noticed him, but he didn't have the pressure weighing down on his to constantly act in a manner that was deemed proper. And then there was Remus.

Everything came so easy to Remus! He was a Half-Blood and he was always ahead of them in class. There was no charm, potion, or spell that Remus couldn't master. He knew the history of Hogwarts by heart, he was able to recite the timeline for the Goblin Wars of 1487. Merlin, he was able to make any potion someone put in front of him! There was nothing he couldn't do! There was nothing he had to live up to! All he had to do was read his little books and all of a sudden he was like a master. He was the favourite of every teacher, he was the one who could get them out of trouble, and he always knew how to fix their plans.

Where did Sirius fit into all of this? He was just the boy who smiled and was always having fun. He was the one lounging outside, trying to look effortlessly cool. Nothing. He was nothing at all. Just that one kid that, eventually, everyone would forget about. James was the Quidditch star, no one could match his talent. Sirius had tried to draw once, but the best he could do was stick figures. He wasn't smart. He just wasn't. When it came to books and studying it was like nothing stuck with him.

What had he been thinking? Sirius Black had always known he wasn't especially bright and that he would almost certainly lead himself into ruin, everyone said as much. There was nothing good that could have come of kissing Remus or telling him that he loved him. The only thing worse than getting laughed or shoved away was being accepted. He hadn't planned for that eventuality and there was no way to recover from it aside from pretending it hadn't happened.

Sirius was not a good person and everyone knew it. That was part of his charm, being so obviously wicked and cool. When it came to love, though, actual love and not teenage lust, he was a useless sack of nothing. He broke everything he touched aside from the Marauders and that was just because their entire job was breaking things. Remus had strength in his taut invisible muscles but he was so very small and fragile. Even if he tried with everything he had he was sure to do nothing but destroy that intelligent, self-sacrificing, gentle boy.

A dry humourless laugh was born in his throat. Even if he could, by some miracle, have a relationship with Remus it didn't matter. His mother would kill them both if she found out and she always seemed to. It wasn't just his family, for once. James and Peter would be just as horrible as anyone else. Simpering little Peter could finally be more of a man than Sirius Black and James, well, he had a reputation and having two of his best friend go batty boy on him wasn't going to make him happy. He could already hear the taunts burning in his ears. They wouldn't even be welcome in their own home. Remus would have to be alone and that, even Sirius knew, was the only thing Remus feared more than his inner wolf. It was pure Black selfishness, wanting Remus for his own. He was destined to burn hot and fast like a wildfire and to eventually burn out, his life ending dramatically and darkly. All he would do to Remus was make absolutely certain he would share that ugly brutal end.

Still, he couldn't entirely banish the persistent memories of that warm mouth with its lithe ever gifted tongue. The thin beautiful boy with the honey-gold hair haunted his mind in a way that was both entirely unwelcome and completely magnificent. That delicate face, finer boned than seemed possible on a boy, ever curved into some microscopic expression that it took an expert to find, hung in his vision. They made pensives for this and that was one thing not even Mother would refuse to buy him. Plenty of wizards pulled their worst memories out to make them sharper and better able to focus. God, did he ever want to pull every thought of his werewolf out of his traitorous brain.

He had to take several deep shuddering breaths before he could still himself. As soon as he did, though, he was as calm as he had ever been. It was a product of his upbringing. Getting upset happened to everyone but you had to at least pretend to be unflappably calm. Never let them see your weakness. No one would ever see the pathetic centre that huddled inside of the devil-may-care exterior. His friends had glimpsed it in seconds but he could mostly trust them. Mostly.

It was time to laugh it off. If Remus brought it up again then he would have to be cruel to be kind. There was no sense in pursuing that madness and dragging them both down into oblivion. Tell Remus what a funny game it had been and how badly they could scare James with it. Tell Remus it was just to see if he could turn even someone with no attraction to him into a wibbleing pile of jelly. And, of course, he could. If he wanted, he would explain, he could even make James forsake Lily in pursuit of Sirius Black, the ultimate prize. Tell Remus that it was just a game and, when he got so into it, he had gotten disgusted and left. Let him know it wasn't ever going to happen. But only if Remus was enough of an idiot to ask.


	2. Chapter 2

There had been times in his life when James was happy. He was happy when he was playing Quidditch, he was happy when he was coming up with plans to get Lily Evans to love him, and he was happy when he was with his friends coming up with the next big pranks. In this moment he was more than happy, he was ecstatic. Remus Lupin had just come and asked him to get insanely drunk. James didn't know why nor did he question it too much. This was Remus. Remus never asked to get drunk, he just followed along behind them reluctantly involving himself in their plans and schemes. Sirius had to be told.

Finding Sirius was no problem. After all, that was part of the reason they had the map.

Sirius was still trying to clear out his mind. He had a plan. He would wander around until he forgot all about kissing Remus. Maybe he should get incredibly drunk. That usually led to him forgetting things.

Just as he was trying to figure out where he was going to get the alcohol, James ran up beside him.

"Sirius, guess who has decided to be a bad bad boy for the first time in his swotty little life?

Sirius looked up and raised an eyebrow. "Is it Peter?"

James laughed. "Well, Peter will be there. Just trust me on this, it's going to be great!"

"Wait, who are we getting drunk?"

"We're not _getting_ someone drunk. Someone has asked me to get him drunk. Now, I'm going to go and raid the kitchens and break into all of our secret stashes! Just come to the dormitory tonight."

"I will…considering that's where I live."

"Right, right! Well, see you tonight!"

Sirius watched James scamper away. Well, this was exactly what he needed. One ridiculously drunk night to get his mind off of Remus. It would be perfect considering Remus didn't like to attend the Marauder's drinking parties. Nah, he was happier in his little library doing his homework. At least now Sirius could get his mind off of Remus.

Oh, this was awkward. Sirius and Remus sat on opposite sides of the room. Remus kept glancing around and taking small sips of his drink. He wasn't used to this and he certainly wasn't used to getting drunk with the one person who he was trying to drink away. He should've left, mentioned something about homework and scampered away, as per usual. But, he knew that James wouldn't let that happen. He knew that he had to stay and get a little drunk. James had been so excited and there was literally no way to stop James from doing something he was excited about.

"I'm hungry," Peter mumbled. He took a sip of whatever concoction Sirius had created for him and winced.

"You're always hungry," James pointed out. "Actually, I'm kinda hungry. Sirius, Remus, go get some food."

"I'm not hungry," Remus said immediately. The last thing he wanted was to be alone with Sirius right now.

Sirius looked up and rolled his eyes. "I'm not moving just for the two of you."

"Alright, Pete, as much as I hate to say this, it's you and me," James said as he got up. "Under the cloak, we're heading to the kitchen."

Peter, for his part, seemed ecstatic over his. He clapped and jumped up, nearly spilling over Remus's half finished beer. "I hope there's cake," he said as he followed behind James.

Oh no, Remus thought as he picked up his drink. James and Peter were gone now and that just left… Oh, this was awkward. Remus glanced over at Sirius for just a moment before looking down at his lap. This was exactly what he didn't want to have happen. He wondered if there was a quick way to escape.

"They got these things now," Sirius said, "these bottles that don't have these annoying caps on 'em. How come we don't have any of those?"

Sirius, for his part, looked perfectly relaxed. He was sprawled out on the couch and wore that ridiculous leather jacket. Several bottles littered the ground around him and there was a large spill on a pillow. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes unfocused. He was probably too drunk for an actual conversation.

"Yeah, they do have those," Remus mumbled. "Um, Siri?"

"Wha?"

"Did we…did you kiss me?" He had to say something about it. He just had to know what Sirius's plan was with it. Sirius had seemed so sincere about it. Surely it wasn't all just a big joke.

Sirius laughed. "Yeah."

"Why?"

Alright, Sirius had prepared for this. He knew exactly what he was supposed to say and how he needed to react. "I thought it would scare you. I didn't think you'd get so weird about it. It was just a prank, Moony."

Remus paused and continued to stare down at his hands. Just a prank. Of course it was. He had known for a while that it was just a prank. He should've known from the start. Well, he had known, he just chose to ignore it and think….why did he think that Sirius could be a sensible human being for once in his life? Sirius wasn't decent, he wasn't kind, he wasn't even a good friend!

"I kiss a lot of people," Sirius went on. "One time I kissed James. It took me an hour to get him down from the tapestry." There, that was a lie that Remus wouldn't question. Remus was an awkward boy anyway, he wasn't going to ask about Sirius kissing James.

Remus pursed his lips and finally looked back up. "So, that's all it was? I was just another person to prank? I was just….You don't think about other people's feelings at all, do you?"

"Remus, don't get all weird—"

"I'm not! I'm not getting weird! All I'm saying is that you're…you're awful. You're a horrible person. I don't even know why we're friends."

Sirius looked up and smiled. "Because we get along. Because I'm fun. Look, Remus, don't be so prissy. After all, like you said, we're friends."

Remus shook his head and finished off his beer. "No, we're not. Not anymore. I'm going to bed." He got up and headed toward the stairs.

It took a moment for Sirius to realize what Remus had said. This wasn't the way things were supposed to work at all! Sirius had expected Remus to laugh and agree that it was just a silly joke. Why wasn't he laughing? "Why are you being such a little girl over this, Remus? God, it's like you think that this all means something! Not everything has a meaning behind it, Remus. Why are you acting like such a baby?"

Remus stopped and gripped the banister. "Because I thought that you were, for once in your life, being honest and sincere. I thought you actually felt something. But, no, I should've known that you're just an idiot who likes hurting people. Screw you, Black. I'm done. Just…Just don't talk to me again, ever."

"Fine! I don't wanna talk to prissy little girls anyway," Sirius called as Remus disappeared out of view.

Well, that went as well as could be expected. 'Just don't talk to me again, ever.' This ran through Sirius's brain while he waited for James and Peter to return. How could he not talk to Remus? He needed him to do his homework and to work out pranks. What about during the full moon? Would Remus still want Sirius to come with him? Surely he would. Wouldn't he? He had never seen Remus this angry before.

How long would this last? Remus now hated him, but surely that couldn't last too long. Remus wasn't very good at hating things. In fact, Sirius couldn't think of much of anything that Remus hated. Sure, Remus could be mad for a while but he would eventually get over it. It was like the time they covered a chocolate bar in a potion that make his skin turn purple. He had been mad and he hadn't let them copy his homework that night, but he was over it by the next day.

All Remus needed was some time to cool of. Sirius was certain of this much. Remus would forget all about the fact that they had kissed and they would be best friends again. There was no reason to worry at all. Sirius could enjoy the night because he knew that Remus would come to his senses. By tomorrow this would all blow over. Sirius took another drink, deciding to accept this reality because the truth might be too painful.

The next morning, Remus got dressed in silence and gathered up his books. He was a pacifist. He wasn't going to fight or hit Sirius for what he did. What good would that do anyone? All it would do was hurt them both and Remus had too much work to do to get hurt now. Sirius was a horrible human being and, honestly, Remus couldn't remember why they were friends in the first place. Sirius had never once done anything good. All he had done was slept around with girls and pranked people. Why had Remus ever thought he could change and be a good person?

"Morning, Moony!"

Remus glanced over at Sirius. He was buttoning up his shirt and grinning broadly as Remus. How could he just act like nothing had happened? How could he be so calm and relaxed?

"Hmph." Remus grabbed his bag off the floor and slung it over his shoulder.

No, he wasn't going to break down and talk to Sirius. In fact, what was the point of talking to any of the Marauders? He didn't fit in, he wasn't anything like them. He was the little boy with his books and they were the smiling, giddy pranksters without a care in the world. Soon enough they would all reject him. They would come to understand that he didn't belong, he was the straight line in the circle. From now on he was Remus and he was alone. At least now he would have the time to focus on his studies. Now he wouldn't have to be distracted by trying to fix their pranks. He wouldn't be pulled into situations he didn't want to be in.

Yes, now he was by himself and he didn't have to try to fit in. By the time he reached the bottom of the staircase, he was incredibly lonely.

"Oi, Remus!" James managed to catch up with the boy after Charms.

Remus had tried to be quick about packing up, but he should have known that James would catch him eventually. It was going to be hard to escape from the people who had once been his friends, but he needed to. "What is it," he finally asked. All he wanted to do was escape to the library while everyone else had lunch.

James paused. Remus wasn't usually so snappish. Well, unless it was near the full moon, but that was two and a half weeks away. James shrugged it off. Sometimes people were in bad moods. It didn't really mean anything, right? "I was just wondering if I could borrow your Potions essay." He laughed and rubbed the back of his neck. "I totally forgot about it last night."

'Totally forgot about it' meant 'I was drunk and I didn't do it'. Remus knew that much, he was there. "Why don't you do your own homework for once? I'm going to the library. Maybe you should visit it once and a while."

Was that too harsh? Remus hated it. He hated being mean, especially to his friend. 'No,' he reminded himself, 'you need to avoid them. Remember, you don't belong, you never have.' This was horrible. He had never pictured a life without the Marauders and now he was trying to live that way. This was never going to work, was it?

"Okay, Moony, something is wrong." Well, that much was obvious. "You disappeared last night after you asked to get drunk." He paused and thought about this for a moment. Remus had been alone with Sirius. "Did Sirius do something? I mean, that's the only person you were alone with."

Remus froze. He couldn't tell James what really happened, that would be admitting that he had kissed Sirius and he felt something. James would never let him hear the end of it. No, he couldn't tell him, not ever. "Yeah," he finally said. "Sirius is kind of a jerk, in case you never noticed. He never thinks about anyone but himself. He's not a good friend at all. He never has been"

James laughed. "Sirius is a dick pretty much fulltime! Whatever he did then tell us and we'll fix it. It's what we do. He's horrible but we love him and we'll _lovingly_ beat him until he's nicer to you." James smiled as though this was a perfectly fine idea and a wonderful solution.

The last thing Remus wanted was to cause any sort of violence to happen. "Look, I just need to be alone. Just stop bothering me. It's really hard to be alone when people keep asking for your homework and asking what's wrong." Remus shook his head and took a deep breath. He didn't want to get angry he just wanted to get away.

"But, you can't go off. There are four of us, I have exactly three friends. If one person leaves then it'll be a trio and trios are stupid. Look, c'mon Moony. Just tell me what he did and I'll be sure to fix it."

How was James going to fix a shattered heart when Remus was too embarrassed to admit it? Sirius had hurt him, badly. It was beyond repair, beyond anything that James could ever fix. "What if there is no why? Does there always have to be a reason? James, not every question has an answer. Besides that, no one said that Sirius and I were fighting. I just need a break, from everyone. I just want to be with Remus for a while..." Remus paused, thinking about what to say. He didn't really have anything. "Maybe there is no 'why' about it. Maybe I just realized that Sirius Black is a huge jerk."

James narrowed his eyes. Obviously this wasn't what he expected or what he wanted. "No. We've been _best friends_ for five years. We've had fights but for reasons, usually stupid ones. If you don't want to hang out with Sirius then either there's a reason or... I don't know what! We stick together no matter what, even on the full moon. And what about the rest of us, you're just abandoning everything now? Merlin, what is wrong with you?" James's voice was rising and causing a few people to stare as they walked past. Not surprising, the Marauders weren't known for fighting with each other. They were known for fighting with other people, but rarely ever with each other.

He just had to act normal. He wasn't going to get angry. Oh, this whole thing was far from normal! 'Calm down, Remus, just act like there's nothing wrong. "Actually, I'm acting like a normal human being. You're the one jumping to irrational conclusions. Honestly. Maybe we just need a short break? Maybe we just need some time away from each other. I told you, I want some Remus time. You know how Peter isn't invited along to everything because, sometimes, you just don't want to be around him? Well, right now I feel the same way about everyone. I see you never thought of rational reasoning."

"Fine! Next time you can have a party all on your own!" James threw his hands in the air and took a step back.

Remus shrugged. "Fine, I don't care."

That was when James started yelling. He walked forward again, causing Remus to back up. "Why are you being such a baby, Remus?" He took another step forward and now Remus was against the wall. "What the hell did Sirius do? What did I do for that matter? You don't just stop hanging out with people for no reason!"

Remus's temper was breaking. He didn't usually get mad, but James was being impossible! "He didn't do anything, James. He didn't do anything!" He yelled back.

James's eye widened in surprise. This was Remus! Remus didn't do mad!

"Nothing happened, I don't see why you don't get that!" Remus went on. "Maybe you've taken one too many bludgy thingies to the head, but you just don't seem to be able to understand anything! Nothing was done. Nothing, nothing, nothing!"

James recovered from the shock and was once again incredibly pissed off. His face was bright red and his eyes were narrow. "Just go chill out." He was yelling again. "When you come back be... be Moony again, alright? I'm going to go talk to Siri. You stop being a brat." He turned around and started off.

"Fine. When you come back don't be screaming in my face. It's considered rude!" Remus turned in the opposite direction.

The fight with James had worn him out. He didn't want it to come to this, but it had to, didn't it? He couldn't act normal around Sirius anymore. Things had changed, a lot of things had changed. The last thing he wanted was for James and Peter to realize that he was hopelessly in love with Sirius. God, the jokes they would make.

Remus kicked the wall. "Urg! Why is he such an idiot?" he asked himself. "Why does he think he has to figure everything out? Sometimes things are none of his business."

That was when everything set in. This was his first fight with James, ever. Sure, he had gotten frustrated and annoyed, but he had never gotten angry! Remus slid down against the wall and pulled his knees to his chest. He put his head down and took several deep breaths. This wasn't the way things were supposed to be between them. James hadn't done anything at all, but he still had to be pushed away.

This was all Sirius's fault. Why did he have to play that stupid prank in the first place? If he hadn't then Remus would be begrudgingly giving James and Sirius his homework right now. He certainly wouldn't be sitting in an empty corner feeling sorry for himself.

'Pathetic,' he thought. 'That's what I am right now. I'm just straight up pathetic. I knew from the start that Sirius didn't like me like I liked him. I'm just an idiot. A stupid and recently friendless idiot."

Remus picked himself up off the ground. He needed to distract himself. As always, he would just get lost in his work. He would study until his brain threatened to rupture with all the new information. He would forget about everything by working on a timeline for the Goblin Rebellion and figuring out the different types of dragons.

And there he was again. Just stupid, stuffy Remus who never did anything fun or exciting. Silly Remus, burying himself in his books. Hopeless Remus, in love with someone who would never love him back.

James sat down at the table, throwing his bag down on the floor.

Sirius looked up and raised an eyebrow. "You seem really angry at that bag, mate. What'd it ever do to you?"

"It's not the bag," James grumbled. He didn't feel particularly hungry. Not eating wouldn't do him any favours, but he wasn't sure he could stomach any food right now. "Remus is just being a stupid brat about something. Peter, go check on Remus." He didn't need Peter there. What he needed was to talk to Sirius.

Peter was always happy to be involved in Marauder's stuff, but he didn't look terribly pleased. "But…he's Moony. If he's in a bad mood…maybe I shouldn't bother him."

"Peter," James said and sighed. "Someone needs to talk to Remus and you're the calmest. Go draw him a picture or something."

Still not looking pleased, Peter got up from the table and grabbed his bag. "Alright, I guess I'll go…"

"You're a good man, Wormtail," James said, clapping Peter on the back.

As soon as Peter was gone, Sirius turned to James. "Alright, spill, mate. What happened with Remus and what's his problem? It's not even the full moon, there's literally no reason for him to be in a bad mood. I mean, we got drunk last night. Who could be in a bad mood after a night of drinking?"

"Okay... Look, Moony was really weird today and I kind of yelled at him and called him a baby and now he's eating Peter so Peter is dead. I thought it was either your fault or his fault for sure. I guess it must be him because you usually gloat when you win and he's saved up enough good karma to be evil and eat at least one friend for all he's done." James paused and thought about everything that had happened. "Actually, it's definitely his fault because he hates me too and I didn't do anything to him. I think I made him cry."

Sirius paused and thought about this for just a second. Had he…broken Remus? "I don't care that Peter is dead or being eaten. Wait, no, Remus is a cannibal? No, hold on, I'm confused. You made Remus cry?!"

"I didn't make him _cry_. I just thought that he was being an ass for getting all snappy when I asked for his homework. Then we started talking about you and he got extra snappish. He yelled, Siri, he actually yelled. I don't like it when my friends fight. I should at least know why they're fighting. Or why they're just... weird."

"Well," Sirius sat and leaned against the table. "I don't wanna talk to Remus either. If he's being a jerk to everyone then I don't wanna be around him. In fact, why don't we just ignore him for a while?"

James sat up and stared blankly at Sirius. No, wait, this wasn't right. Sirius was supposed to admit to something he did, they'd have a good laugh about it, and then they'd fix it and everything would be normal again. "Wait, are you mad at Remus too? God, are you both on your period! I mean, I can cope with Remus being on his, but you too?"

Sirius shrugged his shoulders, thinking that it was best if he wasn't around Remus for a while. He didn't want for things to get weird. As much as he wanted Remus, he wasn't going to admit anything. "Look, he's being a jerk and I didn't do a damn thing to him. If you're insisting on figuring this out then go right ahead. But don't expect me to answer any questions."

What the hell was going on? James threw his hands in the air. "I quit! I just quit! No, wait, I don't quit! You and Remus are both kicked out of the Marauders."

"You realize that just leaves you and Peter, right," Sirius pointed out, his temper starting to flare up.

"I didn't say I was happy about, but being stuck with Peter is better than being stuck with two people who hate each other! Either you and Remus make up or…or…I can't think of anything right now because I'm too mad!"

Sirius stood up and slammed his hand on the table. People were starting to stare at the scene unfolding. "Fine! You do whatever you want, but I'm not having anything to do with stupid, moody, Moony! If he hates me then fine! I can hate him too!" Sirius grabbed his bag and turned away. "You're on your own! Have fun being stuck with Peter!"

"Fine! But I'm going to find out what's wrong with the two of you and I'm going to fix it! You can't stay mad forever!" James stood up and started yelling again.

"Fuck you, man!"

"Fine! Fuck you too! I'm not letting my best friends hate each other because of some stupid reason that _nobody_ is telling me about!"

Sirius didn't say anything. He just stuck his hand up and flipped James off before heading out of the Great Hall.

Well, James wasn't going to sit here alone! He was going to figure out what happened. He glanced around that the other Gryffindors, all of them were just staring at him, looking baffled and some of them seemed mildly amused. "Stop staring, show's over, folks," he told them before storming out of the Great Hall.

Oh, he was going to find out what happened if it killed him! No way was he letting everything fall apart! The last five years hadn't been for nothing. He just hoped that Peter was having better luck with Remus than he had had with Sirius.

Surely Remus wasn't still angry. He couldn't stay angry, he rarely even got angry! Everything was so messed up and James didn't even know where to begin looking for clues. All he knew for certain was that this couldn't go on. He wouldn't allow it. Not in any way. He was _not_ going to be stuck with Peter for the next two years!


	3. Chapter 3

It was not, in fact, Peter who found Remus. Remus sat in the library trying his hardest to focus on his studies but the words kept burring making it difficult read. He hated this. He hated being angry, he hated being ashamed, he hated feeling bitter, and he hated that he was crying. Reaching up, he brushed the tears off his face and tried to distract himself but it still wasn't working. Goddamnit.

"I thought I might find you here."

Remus didn't need to look up to know who was talking to him. He stared down, pretending to read but not really seeing the words. "Hi, Lily, I'm trying to study."

He heard the chair across from him being pulled out as Lily took a seat in front of him. The last thing Remus wanted was to be seen in this state. He was a mess. Just an absolute wreck and he didn't want anyone to know that.

"I'm trying to read, Lily," he muttered.

"I can see that…why are you crying, Remus?"

While Lily could get annoyed with James and Sirius, she and Remus had always gotten on fairly well. Still, they weren't extremely close. They had occasionally studied together in the library or traded books and talked about classes and how annoying people could be. They had shared a few laughs and talked about meaningless things. Remus supposed he could call Lily a friend. Of course, he was afraid of getting too close to her. James would either kill him or somehow use that to attempt to make Lily go out with him. Maybe in another life they could have actually been friends. As it stood every conversation with him she had to worry about something she said getting back to James Potter and resulting in some insane scheme.

"I'm not crying," Remus told her.

Lily raised an eyebrow and looked over at him. "Then are you leaking? People don't leak, Remus." She sighed and gently pulled the book away from him. "James and Sirius were fighting in the Great Hall."

Remus stared down at the table where his book had been. Great, now he had nothing to pretend to focus on. He pressed his tongue to the roof of his mouth, a trick he had read about that stopped people from crying. "James and Sirius argue all the time. It's probably over something stupid."

"So you're something stupid then?"

Remus looked up, his eyes wide. He should've known that James would go and tell Sirius that he was acting oddly and that the two of them had fought. Still, he hadn't expected them to fight about it. He thought that Sirius would just pass it off as being stupid and silly. "I wouldn't give James my homework, we fought, he got mad, I came here," Remus explained. It wasn't exactly a lie, but it was far from the truth.

Lily looked him over. Remus was a poor liar. He was better at avoiding the truth than he was trying to lie about it. "I don't think that James would be that angry over homework, nor would Sirius. Frustrated and annoyed, yes, but I don't think that James would…what were the words he used? 'Kick you and Sirius out of the Marauders' over homework."

Great, now he had gotten Sirius in trouble with James. What else could he do wrong? "So? Sirius is a jerk. Maybe everyone has just finally gotten to a point where they realize that."

For a moment, Lily was silent, trying to find the perfect words to say. There were none. "So, Sirius did something?"

"I didn't say that."

"Yes you did," Lily answered instantly. "You just didn't say it bluntly. You realized that Sirius is a jerk. A person doesn't do that after five years of being best friends with someone." He voice was soft, at least she wasn't getting angry with him. She was calming and slightly comforting.

Remus shook his head. When James had told him that it had come off as more of an accusation. Lily actually seemed genuinely concerned. Remus hated that. "Sirius doesn't see people as being people, there's the problem," he finally admitted. "He sees them as things. Things that he can use and then throw away. Things that don't feel hurt by something. Haven't you noticed it with all the girls he 'dates'? He treats them like they're something that he needs to conquer in order to…I don't even know."

"Yes, but you're his friend. You have been for a while. He cares about you Remus."

He let out a dry laugh. "Of course he does. That's why I do all his homework, that's why I do his potions, that's why I clean up after him, and that's why I fix all his mistakes. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being used and then just hurt in return. He's horrible. Good God, the other night he was making a list of the girls he'd slept with and girls he had kissed." Remus shook his head and took a deep breath. Why hadn't he seen that stupid list as a sign? Obviously, Sirius had run out of girls and had moved onto something else to hurt.

Again, Lily paused to think. "But you're not one of those girls, Remus. You're his friend and, as much as it pains me to say it, the two of you need each other. Look, you're a good guy, and it would be nice if you hadn't fallen in with them. But, you have and that's…that's how it is. They're not them without you and you're not you without them…does that make sense?"

"No."

Lily sighed. "Well, they're all in our year and you have to share a bedroom with them until you're seventeen. This is going to be three awkward years if you don't at least make-up a little."

That was true, they did have to live together. ."...I don't really think they want me back at this point. I yelled at James. You don't yell at James." That was a moment he would really like to forget about.

"Remus, I have yelled at James on at least a monthly basis since I was eleven. He won't even leave me alone. I would give anything if shouting at him was unforgivable." Lily laughed and shook her head.

It wasn't the same. It really wasn't. James would continue to stalk Lily until she finally either killed him or he managed to get his hands on a love potion. "It is when you never yell...I did a bad thing. Yelling is bad." Remus wasn't the most emotionally mature person in the world. He would be calm and subservient. But, when it came to actually dealing with difficult things that had to do with him and someone his own age was yelling at him, well, his only reaction was to fly off the handle.

"Please, Remus. Not to be rude or anything but James probably doesn't even care. How many people has he sworn blood vengeance against since first year? He doesn't remember any of it. He's, well, it's not that he's an idiot, he is but he's not given to feeling things any longer than necessary. He seriously has the attention span of an ant."

Remus took a deep breath. "But, he yelled at Sirius. So, now I've gotten Sirius in trouble and now James is mad at Sirius and Sirius is mad at me and James is mad at me, and Peter is going to be mad at both of us because James is," he rambled. He was quite good at rambling sometimes.

Lily laughed. "Sirius is always in trouble and Peter only ever thinks about his stomach. Besides, how many times has Sirius gotten you in trouble? Or James? Or even Peter. You get a free chance to ruin their lives because they do it to you constantly! Besides, they need you. They'd be hopeless without you. Um, well, more hopeless than usual."

Remus paused and thought about this for a moment. "They do need me," he said, more to himself than to Lily. "That's a fair point. Maybe James won't be mad...maybe I should just say that I'm sorry and that'll make him forget about everything that happened...and, maybe I can just ignore Sirius until he comes around?" That sounded like a decent plan.

"I promise that by the time you get back they'll be expecting you to help with their homework, even Sirius, and if they aren't then you can do my homework instead."

Finally, Remus smiled. "You would kill me if I ever even offered to do your homework."

"That's why I told you that. If they all turned you away as a leper then you can do my homework."

At least Lily had faith in him. Remus took this as a good sign. She had raised some good points. The Marauders weren't the type of people who would just turn someone away over one stupid fight. "I guess I just overreacted. I incredibly overreacted." One little fight wasn't going to destroy five years of friendship.

Lily just rolled her eyes. "Remus, seriously, you're not forty. You're fifteen and you're allowed to blow your top every now and then, especially if you have to put up with Potter and Black every day."

"I'm the mature one. I keep it together when they're stupid. Sirius is the stupid one who goes off over nothing." And the one who ran away when something didn't go according to plan or he realized that someone had feelings.

"And so are you, sometimes. We're not defined by who our friends expect us to be. It'd be easer mostly but, really Remus, you're so much more than Sirius Black's smarter cuter friend."

Remus shook his head and smiled slightly. "I'm not cuter than Sirius."

"I'm a girl, I know these things."

"I own a mirror, _I _know these things." Remus knew what he looked like. He was a short and scrawny boy with a few scars on his face, neck, arms, and, well, most of his body. Cute wasn't a good word for him. Not at all.

Getting out of her chair, Lily walked over and ruffled Remus's hair before giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. "You're cuter, trust me. You're not in love with your reflection yet."

Instantly, Remus's face turned bright red. Oh, a girl had just called him cute and kissed him. Oh, James was going to kill him. "Oh…I, um…I…oh…um, erm, um…"

Lily laughed again. "Go back to your stupid friends and be stupid with them. You are a much better person that you realize. If you were a muggle they'd at least have therapy for you. This world is such a shame sometimes."

Remus cleared his throat. "Yes, my friends." He stood up and took a deep breath. "Thanks, Lily. And, for the record, I live in the Muggle world."

"And your mother doesn't have you in therapy yet? Well, if there are anymore problems then find me and I'll be your therapist. Now, off with you!"

Remus grinned and grabbed his bag off the floor. Lily had made him feel a world better about everything. James couldn't stay mad at him and Peter would go along with anything James said. The only problem was Sirius. Remus had no clue what to do about that, but, maybe things would fall into place later.

This was going to be difficult to do. Remus wasn't sure what James was going to say. Walking into the dormitory, he knocked against James's bedpost. "Hey."

James looked up from the magazine he was reading and stared at Remus, attempting to be completely void of emotion. He seemed incredibly distracted. "What?"

Remus looked down at the ground and took a deep breath. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry…for what happened earlier. I shouldn't have said that I didn't want to be around you guys. I just…I was just upset."

"Moony—"

"I just…" Remus interrupted him and continued to ramble. "I realized I was wrong and now I feel bad and I just…you guys are my best friends and I shouldn't have snapped like that. I don't know if you want me to come back but-"

"Moony—"

"I don't want to lose the only friends that I have because of some stupid little fight. Even if that fight did turn into a big fight with me yelling at you and you yelling at Sirius and Peter getting wrapped up in all of this. Wait, is Peter wrapped up in this?"

"Moony—"

"Oh, I hope that Peter isn't all confused by this. I know how Peter can be and I don't want to make him pick sides. I don't even want for there to be sides. I just want for everything to be normal again. And, maybe we should talk about the reasons for us arguing."

"Moony—!"

"No, the reasoning doesn't matter. What matters is that—"

"Moony! Shut up!" James laughed. "Don't be dumb, Moony. I knew you'd come back. You always come back. We're bigger than our stupid fights. We're Marauders, mate! You'll always come back, in the end, and we'll always have you. Besides, we have a potions essay tomorrow and I seriously have no clue what it's even supposed to be about."

Remus smiled and relaxed. "I'll get on it tonight. And, for the record, it's about Calming Droughts."

"We might need some of those. You should know that Peter is hiding because he's afraid that you're going to eat him."

"I know, I just…wait, what? He thinks I'm going to eat him?"

James smiled. "Yeah, I told him that. It was hilarious. I've ever seen him run so fast."

"James, don't tell our friends that I'm going to eat them!" Remus shook his head. James was still James and there was nothing he could do about that. "How's Sirius?"

James shrugged and rolled his eyes. "He's Sirius. As soon as he realizes that you're back to normal then he'll be fine. Neither of you were ever really out of the Marauders. I just said that to scare you guys."

For the most part, things were back to normal. Remus felt better now that he had his friends back on his side.

"Glad you're back, now, go to your books! I'm reading comics."

Oh yes, things were normal between him and James. Remus sighed as though he was annoyed, but he was quite happy now. James didn't hate him. Actually, Remus was kind of glad that he was doing James's potions essay. He felt like he owed James something since he had blown up. He had yelled and now he was doing James's homework again. For some reason, he found this to be a good thing.

He knew what he would do about Sirius. All he had to do was pretend like the kiss had never happened. It wasn't like he could stop being in love with Sirius, but he could try not to let Sirius know about it. He could just be friends with Sirius, do his homework as always, and keep him out of trouble. It wasn't perfect and it hurt him to think about it too much. Sirius was someone that he could never have and he needed to accept that. He could be his friend, but nothing more. There would never be anything more between them. Maybe that was for the best.


	4. Chapter 4

Sirius threw his bag against the dormitory wall hard enough to shatter one of his bottles of ink. "God-fucking-damnit!"

It had been a week since the huge fight had broken out between them and nothing had happened! It was frustrating and Sirius couldn't explain why! Remus had been all but ignoring him and that wasn't okay! You couldn't ignore him, he was _Sirius Black!_ He made himself impossible to ignore! Sure, Remus had been around and had been doing homework and helping with plans, but he hadn't said anything. Why did this bother Sirius so much?

Honestly, all Sirius had wanted before was for Moony to get the hell over everything that had happened and just ignore it. But, he hadn't actually thought that he would get the hell over everything that happened and just ignore. He hadn't thought that Moony would really just accept what had happened as a prank and move on with it just like that. Remus was the sensitive one, he was the one that actually did feel emotions.

Sirius was the one who banished emotions because they were stupid and annoying. He was the one who ignored his emotions and went on like nothing was wrong. This wasn't something fun and he didn't like it. Fun was practically his middle name! He was Sirius Always Having Fun Black. This wasn't right. Everything had gone all backwards and Sirius had no clue what he was supposed to do.

James had forgiven Remus, Peter had forgiven Remus, everyone was perfectly fine and okay with Remus being back. So, why wasn't Sirius? Why was he letting this bother him so much? He was still frustrated with Remus. Remus had nearly split up the Marauders because he was being a selfish little priss. He had been the one to get all pissy and angry. Not only that, Remus had made him feel something that he never should have felt. Something that he should have been able to reject quickly. He wasn't a lover, he never had been. He wasn't a soppy headed school boy who got crushes on people. He was a great lover, soon to be of myth and legend. He was Casanova, not Romeo! That was what had pissed Sirius off the most. He wasn't supposed to feel! Sirius turned and kicked Remus's bed hard enough to make it shake.

"If you're attempting to destroy the dormitory, I'd appreciate it if you didn't start with my things. Kick your own bed if you want to wreck something."

Shit. Now the source of all his recent problems had come back. Sirius turned and glared at Remus. "Shut up, Lupin! I'll kick what I want and I'll do what I want!"

Sirius yelling was nothing new, but Remus still recoiled slightly. Hadn't he been yelled at enough this week? "Fine, I'll just fix it later," he muttered and, very calmly, walked over to his trunk.

Great, he was probably looking for some book or something stupid like that. There he went again, acting just like he always did. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Wrong with me? I'm not the one yelling." Again, Remus was perfectly calm on the outside. Inside was a completely different story. He was doing his best not to throw another tantrum.

Fuming, Sirius stormed over and grabbed the back of Remus's shirt, pulling him up and turning him around. "No, you've been ignoring me for the past week and that's not alright." He was holding the collar of Remus's shirt, making the smaller boy have to stand on the tips of his toes.

Remus froze up, shocked and frightened at being grabbed. He tried to shrink away but Sirius had a firm hold on his shirt. Since he couldn't leave he just looked away from Sirius. "I'm not-"

"Fucking look at me when you talk to me! For the love of…can you not even look at me? What in the hell did I do that made it to where you won't even look me in the eye?"

Finally, Remus did look up. "Gee, I don't know, Sirius. Maybe it had something to do with that fact that you absolutely humiliated me?" His voice was rising slightly but he wasn't yelling. He didn't want to yell again, not after everything that happened the last time.

Sirius let go of Remus. He back away and ran his hand through his hair. "I humiliated you," he repeated, quite a bit louder than Remus. "I fucking….God! Can't you just be happy with a moment? Why are you being so selfish? You nearly split up the whole group because of this! You yelled at James because you're a selfish brat who can't stand a joke!"

Remus swallowed, trying to keep himself from crying again. Crying was annoying and it wouldn't prove a point. The problem was that, sometimes, when people get really angry they had a tendency to cry. Fucking hell, this wasn't working at all. "It wasn't a very funny joke, Sirius." Remus was trying to yell, he was trying to get angry, but his voice cracked and it just wouldn't work right.

"It would have been if you hadn't…REMUS, ARE YOU FUCKING CRYING? Wait." Sirius shook his head and rubbed his eyes. Oh, now he'd made Remus cry. This wasn't something he could deal with. "Oh shit, Remus, are you fucking crying?" he asked again, though a bit softer now.

Taking a step back, Remus rubbed his eyes. "No. I'm not a stupid kid. I'm not crying." Merlin, he was bad at lying. Saying he wasn't crying would be like saying that the sky had turned green and it was raining Hippogriffs.

Sirius's expression softened. He wanted to run. Good God, he wanted to just bolt and not come back until he was certain that Remus had stopped crying. It was little more than a miracle that he didn't take off. Sirius's whole mindset was to act now, see what happened, and then either laugh or run. He wasn't laughing, so why wasn't he running? "Oh Merlin, come here." No so gently, he grabbed Remus by the wrist, pulled him across the room, and pushed him onto the bed. "Alright, you wanna talk, let's talk."

Remus sat up and stared down at the floor. Damnit. If he hadn't been a stupid brat and started crying then none of this would be happening. If he hadn't been an idiot and kissed Sirius in the first place then he would've been fine right now. "I don't want to talk. You're a jerk and that's all there is to it."

"How am I a jerk? I mean, I know I'm a dick to people, that's what I do. But, you don't have to throw yourself a pity party over a joke," he explained, trying to remain calm. He didn't quite understand why Remus was so upset about this.

"You just don't get it," Remus said and tried to get up to leave.

Sirius put his hands on Remus's shoulders and made him sit back down on the bed. "Then tell me what the hell is going on in that gigantic brain of yours."

"You're an idiot."

"Alright, if you call me stupid one more time then I'm going to get mad."

"You're already mad."

"No, I'm perfectly calm!"

Remus paused and shook his head. "You're an idiot."

"Stop saying that! Say actual words for a minute!"

"Stop yelling at me!"

Oh, he was yelling again, wasn't he? Sirius closed his eyes, took a breath, and knelt down on the floor. "Alright, I'm not yelling anymore. Now, tell Uncle Sirius what's going on."

Remus looked up. "When you call yourself 'Uncle Sirius' you sound like an id-"

"Don't call me dumb again."

"But you are. You're-"

"Remus!"

Sighing, Remus shook his head. "If you didn't get it before then you're not going to get it now. If you didn't understand when I kissed you then you're never going to get it and that's perfectly fine. It's probably better this way."

Sirius paused and looked down at the ground for moment. Oh…oh no…oh, this was happening. Honestly, he had kind of convinced himself that Remus had just gotten caught up in the moment and that was why he had kissed Sirius back. Now he was almost certain that he had broken Remus. Oh, he had broken Remus. You didn't just break Remus and get away with that. Remus needed to be protected. He was soft and squishy and easily hurt. And he was right. Sirius really was an idiot.

Taking advantage of Sirius being distracted, Remus got up and headed toward the door. "This is stupid. I don't wanna talk about it anymore, I just want to go on like nothing happened."

Snapping back into reality, Sirius jumped up and beat Remus to the door. "No, wait, I get it."

"Oh, do you? Maybe you're not such a fool," Remus said and rolled his eyes. "Now, let me leave. I have work or something to do."

"No, I get it! I understand now! Listen to me for a minute!"

"I might if you stop yelling at me!"

"No! I'm not the one who doesn't get it, you are! Ugh, you're impossible right now. Come with me." Sirius grabbed Remus's hand and pulled him along.

Remus pulled away from him. "I'm not going anywhere with you, Sirius."

Sirius rolled his eyes and grabbed Remus by the collar. "You're an idiot, Remus J-just shut up and hold still. I've done enough times that I should be good at it," he said before pulling and kissing him. It wasn't a very gentle kiss my any means. It was hard and harsh and mildly terrifying. Sirius pulled away and smirked. "I get it now. The shortest answer is doing the thing."

Remus blinked several times and tried to figure out what in the hell had just happened. "Don't joke around, Sirius," he finally said. "It's not funny. It wasn't funny the first time and it's not funny now."

"No, you're funny. Hilarious, even. Seriously, I'm being serious. Not serious with spelled S-I-R-U-S, although I am that. But, a serious spelled—"

"I know how to spell serious, Sirius. Also, you just misspelled your own name."

Sirius grinned and shrugged. "Don't care. Now, just so long as we're perfectly clear and there's no doubt in your mind as to what's about to happen, we're going to The Shrieking Shack this very second and there is no option not to go. I've been looking for a reason to rename that place The Shrieking Shag for quite sometime now."

"Wait." Remus shook his head and tried to digest all of this. They were going where and to what? No, that didn't…what? It just wasn't registering in his brain yet. "Can you let go of my shirt?"

"That's what you're worried about? Your stupid shirt? That's your response?"

Remus shrugged. He honestly didn't know what else to say.

Sirius groaned and grabbed Remus's tie instead. "C'mon, keep up or you'll choke to death and that won't be good."

"Sirius!" Remus was trying to keep up, but Sirius got faster when he was excited. "Where the hell are we going?"

"I told you, the Shrieking Shack."

"But why?"

"If you don't know by now then you're the idiot, not me."

"Sirius," Remus whined.

"Remus," Sirius said, mocking the whine.

"Can we just talk about this for a minute?"

"You didn't want to talk. So, no talking. Just…look, I know what I'm doing here. Just follow me and everything will be perfectly okay.'

"Why don't I believe that?"

"Because you're an idiot." Sirius came to a halt and turned around. "You're so slow!"

Remus blinked and shook his head. "You grabbed my tie and started pulling me through the castle. Forgive me if I'm not quite able to keep up."

"Fine, don't keep up." With ease, Sirius grabbed Remus and threw him over his shoulder.

Remus squeaked and grabbed the back of Sirius's shirt. "Siri! Put me down!"

"Hush, this is a wolfnapping."

"Siri! Put me down or I'll scream! Siri! Sirius Black, you put me down this instant!"

"Oh, stop whining. Honestly, you get as pissy when I don't kiss you and now you're all whiny. Merlin, you've got problems, mate. Serious problems."

"Oh, I have Sirius problems alright."

Sirius stopped for a moment. "That's only funny when I say it."

"No, it's never funny and I deeply regret saying those words. Look, I don't know what's happening and just want to go back to the room."

"And I just want to more attractive. But, Remus, we can't always get what we—wait, I'm already drop dead sexy. That was a poor example. Anyway, you get my point."

"I really don't."

Sirius smirked and started walking again. "Mmhmm. Want me to explain this?"

Remus really wasn't entirely certain that he wanted to know, but he was horribly confused. All he knew was that Sirius enjoyed kissing him and he enjoyed kissing Sirius, but he wasn't sure what they were doing now.

"We go to the Shrieking Shack, right? Then I'll take off your shirt, then I'll take off your trousers, are you following me?"

"Uh-huh," Remus said, only about half listening to this.

"And then, after that, we have sex. Honestly, we've already been over this. I thought that my intentions were quite clear."

"What? Wait, but, we can't!"

"We quite obviously can," Sirius said and rolled his eyes. "It's quite simple. Haven't you done it before?"

Instantly, Remus blushed. Had Sirius never noticed how awkward Remus could be? When had he ever had a girlfriend to 'do it' with? Or, for that matter, when had he had a boyfriend to 'do it' with? Remus really hadn't kissed anyone except for Sirius, unless you were counting the kiss he had gotten from Lily or the short and awkward kiss last year from Harmony Derrick. Remus didn't count the last two. Lily had just kissed him on the cheek and Harmony had been very drunk and the kiss had been sloppy and Remus hadn't expected it. Harmony had just climbed on top of him, tried to kiss him, and then thrown up on his lap before passing out. As far as romantic involvement went, Remus was severely lacking. Having barely even kissed anyone it was easy to assume that Remus had never had sex with anyone. Sirius, on the other hand, had plenty of experience. Remus was both jealous by this and intimidated.

"Oh," Sirius said and put Remus back on the ground. "Oh my God, you're a virgin, aren't you?"

Remus looked down and blushed even more. "Of course not," he muttered.

"You are the single worst liar ever." Sirius sighed and brushed back his hair. "I've never done anything with a _virgin_ before. Huh, how do I do this? Shit…shit…man…just…just shit."

Remus had ever felt more ashamed of himself before. Sirius knew so much and Remus only knew what he had heard from Sirius. Sex, honestly, seemed a little scary. It seemed like a lot of touching and a lot of trusting. He did trust Sirius, but he wasn't sure if he trusted him that much. It was like handing yourself over to someone. "I'm sorry, Siri."

Sirius looked up. "What the hell? Moony, don't be sorry. It's not like…it's not something that…" Sirius shook his head. "Its fine, it's perfectly fine. It just means…" Sirius put his hands on Remus's shoulders, gently. "It's not a bad thing, alright. It just means that we're going to take things a little slower."

Remus blinked several times, trying to process all of this. "Slower…like, um, with sex and stuff?"

"Well…" Sirius thought for a moment. "We don't have to have sex if you don't want to. Actually, maybe we should wait. I don't want…I don't want to scare you away, alright?"

Was Sirius Black seriously saying that he could wait for sex? That never happened. Sirius wasn't usually the type of person who would wait for anything. "Well, maybe we could kiss again?" That seemed like a good idea. Remus didn't like the idea of having sex so quickly, but he didn't mind the kissing aspect of things.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure?"

Tentatively, Remus nodded.

Remus was the sensitive one, Sirius remembered that. Remus was the fragile one, the one that was easily broken. He was the one they had to look out for. And Sirius was the one that broke things. He knew this, he knew that everything he touched turned to ash in his hands. How selfish he was, trying to claim Remus for his own, but he couldn't help it. Remus's lips were soft and so innocently untrained. Sirius on the other hand knew exactly what he was doing. He was talented with his tongue and knew how to make someone melt under his touch. However, he wasn't doing that. He wasn't trying to make Remus melt and he certainly wasn't trying to break Remus. All he was trying to do was make Remus more comfortable.

Remus was surprised to say the least. Sirius moved his hand to Remus's waist. Good God, they were in the middle of the corridor! Anyone could walk in on them! What if James or Peter saw this? They would never forget it! But, after a moment Remus didn't really care. Regardless of what Sirius was trying to do, Remus was still melting. He tried to keep up. He relaxed and tried to do what he thought was right. He put his hands on Sirius's hips and leaned forward slightly. Everything was happening so fast! Usually Remus could rationalize things, usually he could think about them and figure out where to go. His mind was blank now. Everything he was doing now was out of pure instinct.

Sirius pulled away slightly. His lips were still so close to Remus's that he could feel Remus breath. Well, feel Remus panting. "Did I take your breath away?"

Remus kept his eyes closed and nodded, his nose hitting Sirius's. Oh, this was all so new! "Sorry, I hit your nose…"

"Stop apologizing, Moony. It's fine. Just tell me if you want to go slower or not."

"Slower…" Remus repeated. "I don't know…can we just kiss again?"

Sirius smiled and gave Remus a quick –and somewhat teasing- kiss. "Ah, not yet. Maybe later." Sirius hesitated for a moment and then reached out and gently took Remus by the hand and gave it a gentle squeeze before letting go. "C'mon, let's go to the dormitory."

Remus blinked several times. He wasn't exactly sure what had happened, but he liked it. That was the important thing, right? He was enjoying himself. Sirius was kissing him and he wasn't joking this time. It was so obvious that Sirius wasn't joking. Remus found himself blushing and smiling and just being so confused that he didn't know what to do with himself.

Sirius paused and looked back. "Remus! Are you going to stand there or are you going to follow me?"

Smiling, Remus trotted after Sirius. Everything was just amazing. They both understood that they couldn't mention this to James or Peter, but it was nice to have a secret. Maybe Remus would actually be able to keep this one. He hadn't done a very good job at keeping the werewolf thing a secret. But, this secret was a lot more fun.


End file.
